The one with the introduction.

At the risk of being sued for copyright infringement, the title of my first post feels somewhat cathartic. As a 30-something year old millennial who was raised with Friends, Myspace and dial-up routers i’m no stranger to a blog, or indeed spilling my thoughts online.

This time feels different though, the purpose of this space is more selfish than objective. Maybe, in time it will be somewhere my children can find my voice, maybe not. I think perhaps it’s more about allowing myself the room to breathe in a life that has become overwhelming and perhaps connecting with others who want the world to stop for 5 minutes.

‘Anywhere, here we are’ – feels like a version of my life. Version 2.0, the one with a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. It’s the calm, rational voice that largely gets entirely encompassed and ignored due to the anxiety and health concerns. It’s the acceptance of what has happened (breast cancer spread to my brain) and the required strength I have to find to carry on, keep on getting up every day, acknowledging the fear but doing it anyway.

Because we make a choice don’t we, we don’t know our timeline and we certainly don’t know when our bodies will go wrong or whether tomorrow we might get run over by a tractor (I’m a farmer’s wife, you’re going to have to get used to those types of analogy). We get up every day and we take our turn on the hamster wheel that is a normal life and forget that actually, life isn’t a given, it’s a privilege.

I am currently somewhere in-between the being grateful and the horrifying sadness that accompanies this disease and my cancer existence. I do have this intrinsic optimism, it came out of the gates full pelt when I had the initial diagnosis though has waned slightly as the time has gone on. I believe that there are a lot of contributing factors to well-being and health and I resigned to fight this, do all the treatment, but also live my life in a way that brings me joy. From September to Christmas, there was very little joy. Fear, that took over entirely, and then I had a scan, which allowed a little breathing room and for some sparkle to creep back in and remind me that cancer, isn’t, everything.

So here I am, in pursuit of my happiness, creating joy, making fun and laughing. I am here to soak it all in, cuddle my babies and make all the memories. Choosing to live, one day at a time.

Until next time.

-Sophie